Balancing Work & Motherhood
This is an age-old question isn’t it? How do moms balance work with being present with their kids? Honestly, I think this “balance” changes constantly and looks different for every mom. Balance for some moms can look like working full-time and being incredibly present in the mornings, evenings, and weekends. For other moms, balance is working part-time and being present with their kids when they’re home part-time. And for other moms, nothing less than being a stay-at-home mom may meet their standards of work/life balance and being present with their kids. I think it varies so much because people, and families, have such different values and priorities.
For moms who have the privilege of being stay-at-home moms, it may be a little easier to be present with your kids, but it’s probably harder to add some “you” time in your balancing act. It is a privilege but it’s also a sacrifice as families are losing one stream of income. And it’s often an undervalued sacrifice, after all, in 2021 Salary.com listed a median salary for stay-at-homes at $184,820 a year. That salary is supposed to be a reflection of all the hard work stay-at-home moms put into managing their homes and families. It’s kind of shocking when I look at that number because I feel that being a stay-at-home mom is so often looked down upon. And even when it’s valued, it requires great sacrifice, as over 50% of homeschooling families make $75,000 or less. That household income is less than the average in the U.S., which is $87,869 after taxes.
And then you have those moms who have studied and worked their whole life to get to a C-suite position or the dream job or their business is finally making the revenue they’ve been working so hard towards for years. These moms may want to continue working hard as examples to their children that women can achieve great things in their careers while having a family. Or maybe their spouse is the part-time or stay-at-home partner and that’s what works for their family.
Judgement & Mom Shaming
Any way you look at the challenge of balancing work and parenting, it’s hard. And it only gets harder with more children. I think it’s important that we talk about mom-guilt and mom-shaming when discussing balancing work and being present with our kids. Many moms are doing the best they can and when other moms are judging them for “falling short” it doesn’t help anyone. Moms are already struggling with guilt as it is, why add to that with our own judgements? You don’t know what that mom is going through, what sacrifices she’s made, health obstacles she’s overcome, the health of her marriage, or the support she has – or doesn’t have – from family and friends. So instead of judging, offer to help – if that’s something you have the bandwidth for. And if you don’t, that’s ok too, because you may be going through life’s hard bumps as well.
Trust me, I know just how easy it is to judge others – not just moms. It’s a nasty little habit that I’ve been working on for years to try and overcome. And I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back when it comes to how I view, and judge, the world around me. I’m so quick to utter a judgement or look down on someone, but am so defensive when someone treats me the same way. Studies show that it takes just a tenth of a second to form an impression. And naturally the judgment comes right after the impression.
So how do you overcome this little habit of judging people? Well, I’m still working on that, but I have found that prayer and actively changing my thoughts has helped me. I’m much more intentional of my interactions and how I speak about others now and will differentiate my feelings from any judgement I’ve made. For example, I’ll say something like “that situation made me feel uncomfortable because it’s not a situation I would have created or allowed for my children” rather than “I can’t believe that mom allowed that kind of behavior. What was she thinking?!” I’m also trying to gossip less and just not talk negatively about people. Trust me, it’s hard and it’s a constant challenge but it’s a challenge that is worth having.
Mom Guilt
The other thing that moms struggle with when discussing this balance of work and being present with our kids is mom guilt. And man is that a nasty little feeling. I feel mom guilt even when I’m killing it as a mom. I didn’t get the bottles washed before bed, but the rest of the house is clean? I sucked as a mom today. I didn’t spend as much time outside with my daughter today as I wanted to – but I still took her a walk and spent over an hour outside with her after work? Sucked as a mom. I didn’t make her a new food to try (I’m trying to do the 100 foods before 1 challenge)? Sucked as a mom. It is so easy to fall into this trap of “I should be doing more” and “If I’m falling short, I’m failing my daughter”. But what if that’s not the case? What if you’re doing an amazing job with the circumstances you’ve been given and that sometimes there will be areas where you do fall short – and that’s ok. What if you talk to your husband about how you’re struggling with feeling like you’re not doing enough for your daughter or your relationship with your husband and he turns around and supports you and lifts you up? Because that’s what my husband does. I shared my fears and struggles with my mom guilt with him and now he makes it a point to tell me daily just how good of a job I am doing as a mom and that our daughter has the best mom in the world. Let me tell you, my love language is not words of affirmation, but hearing those words is a balm to my soul when I am battling mom guilt. Sometimes you just need someone in your corner when you’re in the trenches of motherhood.
If you can build a community around you to help support you and lift you up in motherhood, it can change your whole life. A church community, a working moms community, an adventurous moms community, a girlfriends community that aren’t moms but are still good friends with you and are supportive of you. You just have to prioritize building that community. It may sound like something else you have to do – and really, who has the time for friends? But I’m telling you, getting out of the house and spending time with friends and in a supportive community is huge. Did you know that there are studies that show that “children of mothers with higher levels of happiness and lower levels of depressive symptoms exhibited better emotional security and overall well-being”? And that “children of happier mothers tend to fare better academically and have fewer behavioral issues”? So what you’re really doing when you prioritize building a community that supports you and makes you happier as a mother is setting your children up for success – academically, emotionally, and socially. To me, that’s worth spending a little time working friendship and support into your life balance.
Creating Balance
Now I know that it’s not easy to create this balance of work and being present with your kids, but I have a few ideas that may help you create this balance.
Set Clear Boundaries between Work & Family Time
Establishing firm boundaries helps moms avoid distractions and be fully present in both roles. Now, setting boundaries is not easy for everyone – in fact, for some people it is incredibly hard to set boundaries. In my own life, I feel like I am always setting, and maintaining, boundaries – because it’s never just setting a boundary once. You have to maintain it. And it’s easy to make exceptions for people who don’t honor or respect your boundaries, but that doesn’t benefit you or the relationship you have with the person who is breaking that boundary. Boundaries work incredibly well as long as you are doing the work to set and maintain them. Some ways you can create support for yourself in creating boundaries between work and family time is:
Creating a dedicated workspace at home. This can help you from working in your bedroom or in the kitchen where you have an abundance of distractions.
Communicate work hours to your employer and family. You can set up do-not-disturb windows on your phone, email, etc. to help with this.
Use “work mode” and “family mode” rituals, like changing clothes or taking a walk after work to mentally transition.
Prioritize Quality over Quantity
Being fully engaged during the time you are with your kids matters more than the number of hours spent together. It’s easy to be in the same room as your kids when everyone is on their phones, but that’s not quality time. Instead, create boundaries around planned quality time and be intentional with what quality time with your kids will look like. For example:
Schedule specific one-on-one time each day with your kids, even if it’s just 15 minutes. This will help them feel seen and heard by you every day.
Put away phones and distractions during family time. Think about how your day is structured and where you can make changes. Can you put phones away from 5:00-8:00pm so that you and your husband can be fully present with your kids and each other each evening?
Create shared family rituals each day or week. Having a family game night or themed-movie night each Saturday night, having the same spaghetti dinner on Friday nights that everyone helps make, or Sunday morning breakfasts that everyone participates in are fun ways to get everyone involved.
Involve Kids in Daily Tasks
Turning chores and responsibilities into shared activities can help create connection and stronger relationships while getting some housework done. I love the idea of a Blessing Hour – it’s a dedicated time at the end of each day, before dinner or bedtime, that parents and children all help clean up the house. It doesn’t have to be an hour, it can be 15 minutes, but it gets everyone involved. You can set timers and make a game out of who can clean up the fastest, and have conversations around the importance of helping to clean and pick up your own messes. Here are a few other ways to involve kids in daily tasks:
Cook meals together and let kids help with age-appropriate tasks.
Turn errands into adventures by involving kids in decision-making.
Involve kids in any chore you’re doing – it may take you longer but it helps build a strong foundation for them.
Maximize Productivity During Work Hours
When talking about balancing work and being present with your kids, it’s important to create efficient work habits so that you’re not tempted to break those boundaries around your work/family time. Here are a few work habits that have worked for me:
I use time-blocking to focus on high-priority tasks
I “batch” similar tasks together
Eliminate distractions on your phone with “do not disturb” settings
Delegate or automate tasks at work and home when possible. As technology continues to advance, there will always be new things you automate!
Practice Self-Care & Ask for Help
Remember what I said earlier about happier moms equal happier, more successful children? Well, your self-care is part of your happiness. Self-care looks different for a lot of people, but it’s usually more than just taking a bath with candles. Self-care can look like:
Prioritizing sleep, nutrition, and movement
Accepting help from family, friends, or seeking childcare when needed.
Setting aside personal time to recharge, even if it’s just 10 minutes a day.
Finding balance between work and being present with your kids isn’t about perfect – it’s about making small, intentional choices that honor both your career and motherhood. It’s not always easy but it is worth it. Don’t be afraid to start creating a little balance in your life. And if you’re looking for ways to be intentional and present with your kids, download my FREE guide 10 Intentional Ways to Be Present with your kids!
